Three Breakup Survival Tips

After finally breaking it off with a guy who I will playfully call, “The Fucking Worst Boyfriend That Has Ever Existed”, I learned a thing or two about moving on, rebuilding self-esteem, and staying the hell away from He-Who-Sucks-Ass.

1. Remove all evidence of ever having been associated with The Mistake

The last thing I want to see is a picture of Old McDickFace making out with someone on Facebook or Instagram a week after we ended it. Nobody needs that. I also don’t want to flick through pictures on my phone and see us having a great time in New York. Delete. The one caveat to deleting personal photos is that stumbling upon a horrible picture of an ex can REALLY enhance your life experience if you need a reason to put down the phone after a few drinks. Having gotten rid of pictures, his toothbrush, and that shitty bar of soap he bought me in lieu of “an amazing piece of jewelry” he found, but “wasn’t sure if I’d like it”, I don’t have constant reminders of his existence lurking in my phone or my apartment. Out of sight, out of mind, indeed.

2. Feel it, Sister. (Or Mister, we don’t discriminate here)

We can all attest to the “power” of lying in bed until mid-afternoon, avoiding phone calls and personal hygiene, ruminating about the Hows and Whys of a recent breakup. At the end of the day, having accomplished nothing and looking like a homeless person, you’re still at square one: Sad Town USA. Sitting stagnantly in your apartment all week, trying to think your way out of an emotional abyss for hours on end will not help you. Self-reflection is necessary in order to grow from a breakup, but it’s best to do so when you are in a healthy state of mind. Until then, allow the pain to be present. Feel the heaviness in your chest. Cry. Be angry. Until I cried for a few days straight, I was not able to function. All I could do was sit and think, and 100% of my thoughts were obsessive, negative, and useless. After finally crying and feeling angry and making peace with the fact that this annoying anxiety won’t be going anywhere for a while, I started to feel a lot better. My thoughts still drift to him, but they have less emotional weight.

3. Shake that bootie.

Realizing that I would soon have a gaping hole in my social calendar that was usually reserved for quality fighting time with my boyfriend, I needed to make some plans fast. On the one hand, sitting alone in my apartment, eating pizza and watching romantic comedies until I died alone sounded like a great plan. On the other hand, I knew I was dangerously close to buying a cat. I decided to look up fun stuff to do around the city and call up my friends. I went dancing. I made myself go out on Friday nights and “enjoy” the bar scene. I went on a ton of hikes. I joined a gym. I went on group dates. I went to comedy clubs. The bottom line is, I moved my ass out of my apartment and lived a life out of my head. Weeks later, I have new friends, zero cats, and lost some weight. Life is pretty good right now.

The bottom line is: Make yourself move forward. Breakups happen for a reason, and the reason is, y’all can do a lot better. Here’s a picture to swear by:

CarpePicture found here


A House Plant For People Who Have Zero Interest in Taking Care of House Plants


I may or may not have killed a cactus recently; a plant that literally required two drops of water PER WEEK. I’d like to think it died because the lack of harsh desert conditions bored it to death, but we all know the truth. I was very very busy (and by busy I mean lazy). When I can afford a Botanical Butler (and convince someone that this is a real job), I will have some crazy shit growing in my apartment. Until then… air plants in terrariums would be a very lovely and welcome addition.

Learn how to build your own plant globe of glory here